“A local branch manager for a large mortgage company also voiced support for the policy, “Everyone likes to make the people we kill out to be victims. Trust me, they’re not.”


“They’d rather die than pull two hundred G’s out from under the bed. That really shows you just how serious they are about paying their bills.”


Banks Face Hefty Fine for Murdering Delinquent Homeowners

Dover, DE (BNSE): Justice Department investigators confirmed today they are considering possible fines and other penalties against several of the United States’ largest financial institutions for the murders of hundreds of homeowners delinquent in their mortgage payments.

The Justice Department responded to complaints from families of recent murder victims claiming to receive billing statements from the deceased’s mortgage companies demanding payment for “ammunition services,” “break-in and terrorizing administrative charges,” and “blood removal and dry cleaning fees,” among other charges related to “Mortgage Remediation Services.”

According to a Justice Department spokesman, “The Department is taking these accusations very seriously. While the laws regulating just how aggressive lending companies can act in their efforts to collect a dept are very broad, the actual legality of physically killing individuals behind on their payments is rather vague. Congress and the Courts have consistently ruled that large financial institutions can do whatever they want whenever they want, but, the authority to just kill people for very little reason is a power normally reserved to the federal government.”

Officials for several of the largest banks were quick to defend the policy. “Banks have a right and obligation to protect their assets and manage them in a way to yield the highest profitability,” said one well known CEO. “The simple fact is there are some people out there who are not prepared for home ownership and its responsibilities. Some of these people were two, even three days late on their payments. What are we supposed to do? Wait around to Thursday, even Friday, so these deadbeats can meet their obligations?

“Government regulation is making it nearly impossible for lending institutions to maximize their investments. It’s hard to believe, but in almost every state now, you actually have to prove that your bank owns the property your trying to repossess. Until recently that was an easy problem to fix, but thanks to the liberal media, Courts are actually requiring that any legal documents you produce must be real. This is insane!

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