Dear Ethics Committee,
I was an inexperienced, green around the gills, newly minted esquire when The Law Offices of X&X hired me way back in ’04. Anxious to please and further my soon-to-be illustrious career, drive a nice BMW, and drink vintage Bordeaux on a regular basis, I was thrilled to death when I discovered that my job description included compiling packets of information for a large bank, information which included affidavits that, even to my untutored mind, looked a little fishy. You know, all those blank spaces… All those dates that didn’t jibe… All those signatures that varied wildly, document to document… Well, anyway, the affidavits came from a company that was rumored to be somehow involved with one of the partners, and so I didn’t say anything. It’s really not my job to think, because every plaintiff who can pay for it deserves justice.
So I rocked and rolled along, got the BMW (in a nice blue, with beige interior and top), and impressed all my high school buds at the reunion. Those peons!
Well, ’round about 2006 I got a copy of the affidavit company’s newsletter. I think it was sometime in September. Those good folks were kicking ass and taking names, because there was an article in that newsletter where they stated plainly that they were executing – on average, mind you – 1,000 documents a day! Wow! I counted on my fingers and then counted on my toes and I just didn’t see how those folks could manage such a feet, I mean feat, but, you know, it’s not my job to think, because every plaintiff who can pay for it deserves justice. I wanted a larger Beemer, and wanted to graduate from vintage Bordeaux to vintage champagne, and carry a Bottega Veneta briefcase like the lawyers you see on TV, so, you know, it was cool.
I tore my personal copy of the newsletter in little bitty pieces. I never really saw it, not really.
Then in 2007 I read an opinion out of the US Bankruptcy Court, Southern District of New York State. The opinion was called In Re Fagan. Those mean judges up in bankruptcy court cast aspersions on the character of the very affidavit people I was working with. The nerve. I didn’t say anything, course, because my mom was bragging to her garden club about me and I was up for membership at the yacht club. You know how it goes.
My whole firm was doing it, so, oh, come on, it must have been hunky dory.
Then in 2008 I started hearing grumblings coming out of Louisiana – why wasn’t that bankruptcy court wiped out in Katrina? – in a case called In Re Wilson. Danged if those judges down there insisted on fining and sanctioning our great affidavit people – they went so far as to call those nice affidavits I was using a “farce” and a “sham.” I mean, what’s the big deal? The deadbeat homeowners are in default, so why not play just a teensy bit fast and loose with some of the more minor details? So what if those good affidavit folks don’t really have “personal knowledge”? So what if there’s no notary in the room – I mean, I need a bigger BMW and I might make partner in a couple years!
I pretended not to read In Re Wilson, and I sure as hell didn’t mention it to my mom.
Then in 2009 I took a class across town in Tampa – I mean, where I work, and it was to keep certified in my area of professional expertise. Which is real estate, in case you didn’t know. The class was put on by the Florida Bar and the title was “Hard Times: Foreclosures, Bankruptcy, Offers of Judgment, MERS and Such.” Everyone was really impressed when I drove up in my new BMW 750i – it was sweet! But I was shocked, shocked when I read a little item in the package called “Max Gardner’s Top 200 Signs You’ve Got a False Document,” because, lo and behold, the #1 sign was the town where all the nice affidavit people worked! Oh, no! The #3 sign was a county across the state, which was where their other offices are located… Gee, I didn’t know what to say or where to look, so I pretended not to notice that many of the names in this list have been names on the affidavits I’ve been filing in courthouses all over the state. How many times? Who knows! I mean, I’ve talked to these nice people on the phone – lots! One of them even rode in my BMW – not this new one, the blue one I bought after the red one.
But, this Max Gardner – what does he know? He’s way up north – why’d the Florida Bar include such scurrilous information from a Yankee, anyway? I don’t believe a word he says and I’m not going to worry a bit about it.
Who can stop my upward climb?! It’s my fate! It’s my DESTINY! Let’s get real here!
But now, now the mean ole Florida Bar is trying to tell me that I have to notify the court about those affidavits! What are they talking about – do you know how long it would take my assistant’s assistant’s assistant to do that? They can’t make me! I mean, I’ve lost track of how many homes I’ve foreclosed on! Doesn’t the Florida Bar understand that affidavits are just details, mere technicalities in the ongoing life cycle of foreclosure? Why is it so important to have personal knowledge anyway? Notaries – bah, notaries are idiots!
Why does the Bar care; the Courts sure don’t! What’s the big ole hairy deal?
Then last week some stupid girl that I foreclosed on back in TWO THOUSAND SIX sent me a whole package of stuff. For crying out loud! I got a good laugh out of that! This nutcase said that the way the Bar’s opinion looked to her, I had to “receive information” about robosigned documents and then I was supposed to tell the court! The nerve! She sent me a copy of the affidavit company’s 2006 newsletter: turns out the author of that article signed the financials in her foreclosure the month after the article came out. She implied I should have known! Coincidence! Mere coincidence! She seems to think I read that article! She sent me a copy of In Re Fagan, too, as if I had time to concern myself with what the bankruptcy court in New York – of all places! – was doing! She also sent me a copy of an April Memorandum in In Re Wilson – does she seriously think I keep up with my profession? Please! Besides, those federal people don’t know jack, they don’t really know what’s going on. Then this girl found out – I’ll have someone’s head! – that I attended that Florida Bar thing back in 2009 – does she really believe I was paying attention?
She said she read the Florida Bar’s Ethics opinion that I have an affirmative obligation – pre- and post-judgment – to notify the court that there was a false affidavit filed in her case. Get her! And why is the Florida Bar letting the general public read ethics opinions, anyway? I mean, that’s really something that should be kept only for the right kind of people to read – not the hoi polloi. This crazy lady thinks I’m going to tell the court – “do the right thing” was how she put it. I haven’t laughed so hard in years!
Holy moly, what’s the world coming to?! I’m a lawyer. A LAWYER. When I speak, people sit up and pay attention. I COMMAND respect! I don’t concern myself with right or wrong, black or white. That’s for the little people. I was made to drink champagne and drive BMWs and go out in yachts and impress my mother’s garden club. I’m ABOVE it all. It’s really not my job to think, because every plaintiff who can pay for it deserves justice.
So you see, Florida Bar, you are wrong, wrong, wrong when you say I have to bestir myself and do a darn thing about the fraud I helped my clients commit on the court. Because, I’ll tell you one thing, if one of those nice people’s affidavits was phony, they were all phony! Geez, give me a break. Seriously, whose side are you on???
This isn’t FAIR!
Your Local Neighborhood Foreclosure Mill Attorney