This just in.


A Message from the The Anonymous 1% to the Insignificant 99% of #OccupyWallStreet #OWS

I am The Anonymous 1%

I have come today to deliver a message of great importance to the rest of you, the 99%. We are about fed up with you. The boys in the club were a bit amused when some of you decided to occupy our street. It reminded my buddy, from Deutsche Bank, of a bunch Gypsies he once knew. He also mentioned something about a final solution but sometimes he falls back into that heavy German accent and I have no idea what he is ranting about.

Now, they/I have grown weary of you. Even if by chance you should hold out three more weeks, a brutal winter is “forecast.” Good luck with that.

You see, we own the weather. We will rain on your parade. We have shifted global fortunes just by heating up the planet and you can just imagine the possibilities available through securitizing commodity futures when you know where crops will be bumper and also where crops will be bust. See the movie “Trading Places” to learn how easy it is.

But don’t worry my peasants, I was talking to the heads of Cargill, DuPont, Dow, Monsanto and Archer Daniels Midland, they are a swell bunch of fellows and they wanted me to pass along that there will be plenty of high fructose corn syrup available to make sure you never have enough energy to get your fat bulbous asses out of your Lazy Boys.

That is because we own the “food” too. We’ve been squeezing out family farmers for decades and agribusiness is a different focus.

Producing “food” is far less important than controlling all of the world’s production. In fact, what we produce isn’t even food, its GMO, Genetically Modified Organisms. What we are feeding the world right now is largely an experiment. But boy is it profitable. We have the keys to the engine of population control and all you have is your Constitution.

We are about to greatly reduce the amount of food available to Americans. The number of Americans receiving federal aid through the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, commonly known as food stamps, soared to a record 40.8 million in May, according to government data released shortly before the Senate voted to cut billions from the food stamps budget.

One in seven of you are completely dependent upon us to fill your bellies but you’ll soon be doing that from dumpsters. Your own elected officials voted thumbs down on the issue of feeding women in children. Don’t you get it? No one cares about you. You are a bunch of unemployed, uneducated, useless, freeloading deadbeats.

We also own the patent on food. Your taxes funded research that has given us control of the entire worlds food supply, the terminator seed.

At a biotech industry conference in January 1999, a representative from Arthur Anderson, LLP explained how they had helped Monsanto design their strategic plan. First, his team asked Monsanto executives what their ideal future looked like in 15 to 20 years. The executives described a world with 100 percent of all commercial seeds genetically modified and patented. Anderson consultants then worked backwards from that goal, and developed the strategy and tactics to achieve it. They presented Monsanto with the steps and procedures needed to obtain a place of industry dominance in a world in which natural seeds were virtually extinct. And we are almost there.

We own medical treatment as well. This is where owning the “food” comes in so handy. We can create and transmit a malady for which we already have a patent on treatment. We inflict a large number of diseases on the population, and then we sell treatments to the ones who can afford it. Here, have a Vioxx.

And we own the politicians. But you have figured that out now, haven’t you. Sure, there are a couple who won’t get with the program but they either don’t get reelected, or we give them what we like to call, a “Wellstone Award.” They fly into Gobblers Knob in a Cessna 180 to pick up a plaque from the Swine By-products Producers convention and they never fly out again.

But wait, there’s more…

We own most state attorneys general. They fly a lot too. They are all understaffed and not exactly the cream of the legal arena. It doesn’t take that much. We bought a major state AG by picking up a $1341 tab for his wife’s Volvo at the local Firestone store. Of course it didn’t hurt that we had pictures of him with his hand in the babysitter’s pants.

We own most of the judges. You figured that out too, huh? Well then you also figured out that there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it.

We own the police. You were wondering about the white shirts macing women in New York? Think of them as The A Team. They are blue shirt wearing NYPD while on City payroll, and busting heads on our say-so when they wear the white one. As you now know, when you see them coming the polite chit-chat is over and the skull-cracking is about to commence.

Most importantly, we own the money. We created the Federal Reserve Bank so that we could print as much money as we wanted and tack it on to tax payer’s debt. How do you think we got 99 percent of it? You work your asses off for almost nothing and we just print more and more and more money.

We even own the water, the power, the sewer, and the streets and because we own all of the communication systems, we know what you say, text, or email. When you go out, our cameras monitor you while our cell towers track your whereabouts.

For whatever we don’t own yet, there is always the power of Eminent Domain. If we want it and we don’t own it, we will take it.

We do what we want. You do what we say.

We gave you jobs in our mines, factories, textile mills, construction projects, and retail chains but it was never enough for you. You always wanted more, and more, and more. You wanted free health care and maternity leave and a day care center. You organized against us for “collective bargaining” so you could get an ever increasing share of our pie.

We can’t pay someone $40 an hour to turn a couple of screws.

So, it’s over. We don’t need you anymore and there are just way too many of you.

We gave your job to someone else for a couple of cups of rice and when their brats are old enough to be useful, they will work for nothing. It gives me a warm wave of nostalgia to say it’s just like the good old days, only better.

So the next time you gaze up at our 50 story office towers with rage or envy, remember we are looking down on you with the same indifference we would feel for the common sewer rat.

While you huddle in the late October rain, I’m off to my private club for a game of squash, a mani-pedi, a Thai massage, and a beaker of scotch that costs more than your watch. I am THE ANONYMOUS 1% and you are insignificant.

And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.