“Let me make this absolutely clear: I have the utmost respect for all of the filth-encrusted, lesion-covered degenerates of this nation,” Romney said. “In the coming weeks, I look forward to meeting real Americans in their squalid, roach-infested hellholes in every corner of this country. I promise to stand up for every one of you, even the 47 percent of you huddled together for warmth, fighting your own family members for moldy crusts of bread as you wallow in your own excrement.”
Romney Apologizes To Nation’s 150 Million ‘Starving, Filthy Beggars’
It’s from the ONION everyone, so it is pure SATIRE, for the most part, right?
SALT LAKE CITY—Seeking to limit the fallout from a videotaped speech in which he asserts 47 percent of Americans “pay no taxes” and do not take “personal responsibility and care for their lives,” Mitt Romney hastily called a press conference today to apologize personally to the “150 million starving, filthy beggars [he] might have offended.”
Saying that he deeply regretted his choice of words at a private $50,000-a-plate fundraising function in May—during which he argued “[his] job is not to worry” about the lower-earning half of the nation’s populace—Romney personally appealed to the country’s “dirt-caked garbage pickers and toothless street urchins” for forgiveness.
“First and foremost, I would like to offer a heartfelt apology to all the whores, junkies, bums, and grime-covered derelicts out there who make up nearly half our nation,” a visibly contrite and solemn Romney said outside a campaign stop at a local high school. “Let me assure you that I in no way meant to offend any of the putrid-smelling, barefoot masses out there. My campaign is not about dividing this nation, but about bringing all sides together—the rich, elegant members of the upper class, as well as the 47 percent who are covered in flies and eat directly from back-alley dumpsters.”
“I am fully committed to building a better future for every American,” Romney continued, “and that means ensuring all 150 million grease-and-urine-soaked members of our society get a fair shake.”
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History of The Onion
The satirical newspaper The Onion was founded in 1988 at the University of Wisconsin, Madison. Originally a weekly humor print publication targeting a local student population, The Onion is today a booming news organization known as America’s Finest News Source.
The launch of TheOnion.com in 1996 expanded its signature brand of satire to a national and international audience. Online expansion opened doors to growth in a multitude of areas. The company has become an omnipotent news empire, reaching millions of fans through print, broadcast, radio, mobile apps, books, and, in January 2011, two new television shows on the Independent Film Channel and Comedy Central. The website continues to be the nucleus of all The Onion does, described by TIME magazine as “the funniest site on the Internet.”
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