Knowing how much our Commander-in-Chief likes a good rap song,

I penned this ditty with him in mind. Thanks to his help, we beat the rap.

Look out Jay Z, “The Commander-in-Thief” Shady D is in da house! Seriously, whether we hold your note or not, I’m in your house!


“Beat Da Rap”


Shady D

Zero money down, McMansions for all

Then the housing market took a biggie fall

We blamed it on subprime but we were lying

It was derivatives and securitizing

To ensure the poor would take the fall

We used Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh


There were credit defaults – to swap for sure

When this shit really blows, Katie bar da door

We took cover under TARP with 700 B

Doled out to Wells, Chase, the inglorious A-I-G

Put it all on the taxpayer’s back

We got da gold, man – and you got sacked


Down on Wall Street the pay was obscene

Signing bonus checks like we was Linda Green

We needed Hank and Ben to save our payday

Brought in Timmy G. to foam the runway

Summoned to D.C. – it was all a show

Grilled by Chris Dodd, a friend of Angelo’s




You know we beat da rap

Too big and all that crap

They look the other way (Hey!)

Down at the D-O-J

You’ll never handcuff me

We bought the O-C-C


Look at all the gold we were mining

Using fake docs and robo-signing

How much did Fannie and Freddie “earn”

Before dumping “Da Baum” and David Stern

Mills and sweatshops like L-P-S

Dog ate da note? No sweat – call DOC X


Call this 800 number to keep HOPE alive

You gotta make all these trial payments to modify

But all of your documents fell by the wayside

We’re taking this foreclosure crisis “countrywide”

Your house is the ultimate prize

We’ll change the locks and winterize


To keep you afloat there was HAMP and HARP

But we sank your underwater home on a lark

We put all the notes on BOA’s Ark

Chase’s mascot’s a whale but the rest are sharks

While down the drain your life goes swirling

They shine my white shoes at Covington & Burling


You know we beat da rap

Too big and all that crap

They look the other way (Hey!)

Down at the D-O-J

You’ll never handcuff me

We bought the O-C-C


From subprime to sublime

“Settlement” bought us more time

Distract you with Corzine

Of course there’s no jail time

Throw YOU out on your M F’n behind

Now the streets are lined with “For Sale” signs


From predatory to Promontory

Here’s 300 bucks – f*ckin’ end of story

Can’t you see we’re a monopoly?

Where every card reads “Get Out of Jail Free”

For us Cristal, “Dimon” and furs

For the Sheeple  – FICO and MERS


Tile, granite and stainless steel

For us just a painless steal

We get the meat, throw you da bones

We’re keeping it on the Down Jones

Bull(shit) market where no rally’s doused

Now that Shady D’s in YOUR house


Now your economy’s in the crapper

Thanks in large part to this white rapper

Look at my suit – I’m so damn dapper

Justice for you? Now that’s a laugher

Already planning the next disaster

And you’ll live crappily ever after


I’m bold, I’ve gotta plan

I’ll lobby Uncle Sam

To make me the next POTUS

Rename the country after us

After all, we own this place

The United States of Chase