The Winners of the ‘Chase Twitter Fail’ Haiku Contest

Last week, I ran a quick post in this space (“Chase’s Twitter Gambit Devolves into All-Time PR Fiasco“) on the epic Twitter fail that was JP Morgan Chase’s planned #AskJPM online Q&A. For those who missed it, this was that outstanding Too-Big-To-Fail marketing idea where Chase expected readers to tweet in in search of career advice – only to take a massive faceplant as Twitter exploded with profane, abusive and in many cases inspiringly funny “questions.” (“Would you rather negotiate with 1 horse-sized Eric Holder, or 100 duck-sized Eric Holders?” was my favorite.)

As an afterthought, I asked readers to send in haikus on the theme of Chase’s PR gambit. To the author of the best poem I promised a Jamie Dimon “Greedy Bastard” t-shirt. I honestly didn’t expect so many outstanding submissions. There were so many good ones, in fact, that in the end I couldn’t settle on just one winner – there will be two, in the end. But before I get to those, I should give props to some very honorable mentions.

First, all praise is due to those who actually honored the literary spirit of the haiku. Many of us less-civilized Americans, myself included, just went straight for a crude 17-syllable dick joke and didn’t bother with the form too much. The one I put on Twitter read as follows:

Ask Chase anything!
Public replies: blow us, you
Cheap gangster fuckwads.

Anyway, as great as they all were, my two favorites stood apart – and polar opposites of each other. On the one hand, winning for his sheer bluntness and Haiku-Fuck-You power, was @saperehilaris, who Tweeted this economical submission:

I am a huge dick
That skull fucks Americans
With their own money

Meanwhile, on the more charming and evocative end, there was this entry by Hannelore Dean:

My mom wants to know
How you like her house, her porch,
Her climbing roses.

Check out the honorable mentions here…